Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
