you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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