Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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