Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
