GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
