Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
