Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I cannot find my penis.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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