Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
