Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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