walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
