I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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