ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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