i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
