Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
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