I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
