wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
