i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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