everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
cat food counts as protein by the way
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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