I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
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Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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