she peed on how many people?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
