I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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