I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
