Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
