I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
