i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
