I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
