my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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