i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
