I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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