My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
