hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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