I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
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Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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