the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
