The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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