there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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