Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
