took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
