WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
