It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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