i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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