I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
farters have to be the big spoon...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
