Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
