And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
