Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize