Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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