no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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