Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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