Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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