my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
