The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
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dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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