Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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