the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
