I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
