Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I still have a little drunk in my system
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
