Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
