What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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