I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
