And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
