If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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