I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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