I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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