she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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